Stuff That Scares White People

The winter holiday season has become a very stressful time of year for white people who have children. To ensure that their children continue to love them, respect them and consider them “cool,” white people go to extremes to ensure their children get all the “perfect” gifts.

Not knowing anything about their children and what interests their children, white people rely on other sources of information to provide the shopping list (i.e. news, magazines, friends, television). When stores have sales on these items white people will line up days in advance in an effort to get gifts at an often negligible discount. In the event that there is a shortage of a particular “must have” gift, white people will fight each other to guarantee their children are not disappointed.

Parents who do not get their kids the correct/popular gifts are greeted with screams, tears and hatred when the gifts are opened by their children. An additional fear comes as white people’s children talk to other white parents. Not only will their own children disrespect them but the community in general will consider the those that do not get the correct/popular presents for their children to be terrible parents and, likely, lower class.

Although embracing the Halloween holiday in one hand, white people are terrified of Halloween in the other. White people enjoy dressing up, trick-or-treating and even the occasional Halloween party but only in the light of day. As night falls, so does White People’s love of Halloween. During the dark hours, Halloween becomes a living nightmare as White People become afraid to step out of their homes in fear of running afoul of any number of roving gangs hell bent on murdering, setting fire to, assaulting, kidnapping or robbing unsuspecting White People.

Additionally, White People are afraid of the following Halloween related issues:

• Poisoned candy

• Candy with razorblades/hyperdermic needles inside

• Vandals

• Arsonists

• Drunk drivers

• People wearing normal clothes and masks

• Child Abduction

• Clowns

• Not having enough candy

• Not having the right candy

• Everyone knowing they don’t have enough/the right candy

The possibility, no matter how unlikely, that the end of the world is coming and coming soon scares white people. To that end, ancient prophecies of are commonly used to validate this fear.

White people have the unique ability to take vague, seemingly innocuous texts and infer impending doom. All relevant facts, science, common sense and expert opinion can and will be ignored in favor of baseless theory and insane babbling. 

There is perhaps nothing that terrifies White People more than Non-Whites. The realization that White People are a minority within the world’s population intimidates White People to the point of extreme terror and a large portion of Powerful White People’s time is devoted to ensuring that White People perceive themselves as a significant leader in the rule of the world.

To be clear, White People are scared of Non-Whites as a concept. The fact that there many more Non-White people in the world is a terrifying idea for White People. This is not to say that White People are afraid of individual Non-White people. That is not the case at all. In fact, it is likely that most White People have at least one Non-White friend which they will reference prior to any statement that could be construed as “bigoted.”